Trope Trasher
by BlackExcaliber13
Summary: A collection of stories based on common fanfiction trope trash that every author has tried and failed at at one time or another.
1. Time Traveler's

Trope Trasher - Mass Effect

Got sick and tired with all those fic's out there with overdone plots and ridiculous revamps, several tropes and themes reduced to what they should be, trash. Millions of words and thousands of chapters for what could be summed up with a few words.

First up to bat, my answer to all those time-travel fic's out there.

* * *

'We're not going to Illos.'

'But Shepard-'

Shepard sighed, if only they'd seen what he'd seen they might know just what was coming, just how many lives were lost and worlds burnt, his actions might have made sense to them.

He sighed again, better they don't know.

He still couldn't sleep a wink without seeing Earths charred remains dancing around him.

'He'll win Shepard! If the Geth take the Citadel Saren will unleash the Reapers!' Shepard turned to look at his long-time friend and confidant.

'That is where you're wrong Anderson very, very wrong.'

-Skip-

The SR-1 Normandy stood amongst the dust cloud of the nebula surrounding the Citadel; if his calculations were correct then they were just outside the blast radius. Joker sat next to him, a mixture of anger and uncertainty crossing his face as they watched the Geth fleet, led by Sovereign, swarm out of the Mass Relay.

John Shepard stood and watched as the Citadel fell ignoring the calls of his compatriots to interfere.

John Shepard stood and watched as hundreds upon thousands of Reapers came through the centre of the Citadel.

John Shepard grinned as asteroid X - 57 emerged from the nebula, Fusion Torches burning brightly.

John Shepard smiled as the asteroid collided with the largest of the Mass Relays clustered around the Citadel, annihilating it completely.

John Shepard laughed as the Citadel and all the Reapers disappeared inside the nuclear hell created from the Mass Relays destruction.

He had been willing to sacrifice 300,000 lives to give the galaxy 6 months more to prepare.

14 million to save it all?

Well worth it.

* * *

Chaos Theory states that minor initial variations can have far reaching consequences. Every time-travel fic completely obliterates the butterfly effect without even realizing. Saying one thing when you'd originally said another could change the time line, turning left instead of right, even blocking sunlight you were otherwise not meant to could have far reaching consequences and yet everything seems to go swimmingly and exactly as it did before until they make a big change.

The future was fucked up to begin with, go big or go home I always say.

Shepard uses X - 57 to destroy the Relays surrounding the Citadel aand throws the Reapers into a supernova, no big war, no epic battles, no fucking star child!

The whole point of time-travel is to end it before it begins.


	2. Self Insert's

Trope Trasher 2

There are two types of SI, the Replacement and the OC. Replacement SI's put their minds into the bodies/positions of the fictional character and OC SI's introduce themselves as a completely separate entity.

* * *

I awaken on a cold sterile table; a voice rings in my ear ordering me to put on my armour.

At a glance I find I am somehow inside the Mass Effect game series. Why I haven't fainted in shocked denial, I don't know. How I'm even there is an even more mysterious, probably some sort of otherworldly intervention or space magic… maybe a magical X-Box.

I know this is Lazarus Station; I've somehow replaced the legendary Commander Shepard.

This is incredible, despite the fact I have none of his experience controlling a body his size and weight and no idea what my first name might be the opportunity to charge into battle against merciless killing machines is too great to pass up.

I reach into the cupboard and retrieve the N7 Armour stored inside.

I realize quickly that I have no idea how to put this stuff on.

It takes me half an hour to figure out how all the while listening to Miranda's constant whining as I do so.

Well, I'm not romancing her that's for sure.

I step outside the room ducking behind cover.

I know that a Loki-Mech is about to come through that door I turn and take aim.

The bullet goes through my left eye.

Apparently shields only work if you know how to turn them on.

* * *

That's the Replacement SI; now flinch in horror at the OC SI.

* * *

I appear on the Citadel, mysteriously.

I have no idea how I got here, I have no money, my clothes are over a hundred years out of date, I have no identification and yet I fit in perfectly.

There are aliens all around me yet I understand every word their saying.

I am somehow thrown into a completely random series of events slap dab in the middle of what I know to be the Mass Effect games; this of course is an incredible realization that doesn't faze me in the least.

Somehow despite never using a gun before I have become the greatest marksman that has ever lived. I instinctively know how to put on armour and use it effectively. The Omni-tool, which was somehow implanted into my skin without my knowledge is easier to use then a Smart Phone. I have manifested Biotic abilities that far outstrip those of any other being in the galaxy.

Oh, and women/men love me, regardless of species or previous sexual orientation.

I have knowledge of events past, present and future that by all rights I have no business knowing. No questions are asked when I reveal this information, despite most of what I'm saying being beyond restricted if not impossible to know simply because it hasn't happened yet.

We continue through the events of the game, deviating minimally and yet saving every life we come across for no apparent reason other than we can.

We conquer the Reapers without any casualties, not counting the billions of dead Reaper troops who were at some point living and breathing beings.

All is well and everyone lives happily ever after, except the billions of dead people I've happily overlooked.

* * *

Self-inserts. Yes. Those. Every author out there has dreamed of meeting, being, or banging a fictional character, be they their own or the works of others. Considering how sexualized everything is nowadays that's really not surprising.

The point is though, a good self-insert is well structured, in depth and uses applicable data to form a well thought out plot with a believable character progression. A bad self-insert introduces an everyday, average, man, woman or child then turns them into all-knowing gods of war with the ability to cure cancer with their tears and shit gold bricks.

This also relates to argument laid out by the previous trope as your SI's presence is a giant foot up the butterfly's ass. Your presence is variation, what is not meant to be there suddenly is, thus every previous reaction is now moot because an extra factor has been introduced. 2X2=4 and 2X2x2=8, the math isn't quite that simple but the underlying equations are there.

Throw in the fact that I got sick of typing 'I' while writing this and I'm left wondering just how conceited you'd have to be to write a story where the universe seemingly exist around you. No offense meant to those few authors who are actually good at writing SI but even they have to ask the question, do I really think the universe revolves around me?

Oh and before I forget. Mary Sue says what?


	3. Crossover's

Trope Trasher 3

Crossover's. We have millions of fic's out there that combine two or more separate works of fiction to create what could only be described as fanatical bullshit.

* * *

As of 0900 the UNSC had declared war on the species known as the Turian's and by extension the Citadel Council, the ruling body of the Turian's.

The Turian's had for reasons unknown attacked and invaded the human colony Shanxi, the UNSC had of course replied in force.

Humanity along with its close allies and past enemies, what remained of the Covenant races, had amassed a fleet of thousands of ships and retook the space around Shanxi. The battle had been short lived; the Turian fleet was outnumbered by the sheer amount of ships as well as the size of the vessels, the five kilometre long Infinity-Class dwarfing even the largest alien ship let alone the eleven kilometre long Forerunner Dreadnought that led the charge.

Mass Accelerator rounds and Disruptor Torpedo's met Magnetic Accelerator rounds and Shiva missiles, Guardian Lasers met Spartan Lasers, and the Energy Projector was left unmatched as in its destructive capabilities.

The use of Nuclear Weapons, while strictly forbidden by the Citadel, were used extensively by the Human and Covenant forces.

Once that battle in space had been won Shanxi was quickly retaken by Humanity and its former Covenant allies. No prisoners were taken as the Turians fought to their last despite the hopelessness of their situation.

Humanity and its allies, following their victory marched on the Citadel, bypassing all other planets, military outposts and refuelling stations in the process.

They attacked swiftly once again easily overcoming their enemies with their superior technology and conquering their foes.

Once the Citadel was conquered the peace talks began.

The Citadel Council in all its magnanimity offered the Human and Covenant forces the great honour of joining them, as long as most of their fleets were disabled and they gave up all rights as a self-governing nation.

Humanity and its allies refused despite the generous offer and despite having only just conquered the Citadel, spending Hundreds of Billions of Tax Payer Dollars in the process and likely taking heavy casualties, returned the Citadel to the Council and left, returning to their space.

Despite decades of distrust and outright enmity Humanity agreed to allow the Citadel access to the recently uncovered Prothean Beacon found on Eden Prime.

Of course who better to lead Humanity's forces and keep the Citadel researcher's inline then Commander Twilight Sparkle Shepard?

* * *

They would then proceed to rehash Mass Effect's story line but add places, peoples and technologies native to the Halo games.

Yes, I did in fact have to add a Pony, if only to suspend your disbelief.

It's not that I don't like Crossovers it's just that most of these fic's are fanboy/girl garbage written to promote the greatness of the introduced fiction, add pointless plot elements or proliferate some ridiculous dissociative superiority complex.

Halo, Harry Potter, the Elder Scrolls, ad nauseam are entertaining and entrenching pieces of fiction. As is Mass Effect and while sometimes adding one to another might make an entertaining read the plots have little variation and close to no real substance relying on the material's renown to achieve even the most basic amount of readability.

Shepard is a soldier, he makes decisions that can affect countless lives, and he associates with a variety of interesting people. He does not need to know how to shoot lightning bolts out of his ass. Magic meets sci-fi, entertaining certainly, we saw that with Star Wars, DC and Marvel Comics as well as many other incredibly well set out works of fiction, but the other 99% of the time? Completely pointless.

Yes, the Reapers do set up a scenario so that future races emulate past races, and while unknown technology might give them an edge they are still fighting a near endless race of emotionless killing machines. One does not simply press a magic button to win a war, despite what EA and Bioware would have you believe, lest that button is attached to a Halo Array and then that's not really a win now is it?

And while the size of the ship might mean more heavily armed and armoured it also means a much larger target. Not to mention the sheer amount of ships that seem to jump from one kilometre to fifty kilometres long for no real reason just has me thinking.

Are these authors having a glorified dick measuring contest?


	4. Lemon's

Trope Trasher 4

The lemon. Dum Dum Dum! Rule 34 if it exists there's porn for it. Rule 35 there is no exception of Rule 34, ever.

* * *

'Oh Liara!'

'Oh Shepard!'

'Oh Li… What the hell is that?'

Liara and Shepard caught in the throes of passion, stopped in mid coitus. Shepard goggled at what caught his/her eye, something large, blue and dangling.

'I believe humans call this a… penis.'

'I thought Asari were female.'

'Common misconception, while Asari consider themselves female it's more of an allusion to the fact that in the majority of races only the female can give birth. Asari are in fact mono-gendered, we have both sets of sex organs, we are in fact both male and female.'

'We're done here.'

'But Shepard-'

'I'm straight/I'm a Lesbian.'

* * *

'Let's do this Skipper.'

'Ah… I'm not so sure about this…'

'Do you remember the safe word?'

'Yes but-'

'Shut up worm and take it like a man!'

* * *

'Bend over and take it Alenko!'

'Oh god! Shepard! Deeper! Harder!'

* * *

'You have flexibility, I have reach.'

'Hmm… Talk dirty to me…Ah… what are you doing?'

'Grghh.'

'What. AH HEY!'

'SkreEeEe.'

'AHHHH.'

'GRAGH.'

Skink

-Skip-

'That was fun Shepard.'

'I… can't feel my legs.'

'They call it a claw hammer for a reason.'

* * *

'Wait… stop.'

'Shepard.'

'Wrex.'

'Why are we stopping?'

'It'll never fit.'

'Can't we-'

'It's longer than my torso!'

* * *

'I thrust quickly as she keens in pleasure. Want's more. Tweak the Nipples! Tweak the Nipples! Call me Shirley!'

'I've got to go.'

* * *

'Can't right now, Shepard. Too many experiments. Trying to cure common cold. Maybe later.'

'Ooookay…'

* * *

'Ah…Jack… What is that?'

'A Strap-on.'

'Oh…'

* * *

'Shepard I'm century's old- Where are you going?'

'I've been down this road. Not into tranny porn, let alone granny tranny porn.'

* * *

'The entire nervous system igni- Where are you going.'

'I said this to your mother and I'll say it to you. I'm not into tranny porn, let alone vampire tranny porn.'

* * *

'Oh yeah goddamnit. Take it! Take it Goddamnit.'

'Zaeed… it's been four hours… you know what the bottle said.'

'Goddamnit! I've still got another round in me. The little blue pill was only a goddamned precaution.'

'…Okay one more round Zaeed… Zaeed?'

'ZZZzzzz... snork…Goddamnit…zzz.'

* * *

'Oh Jacob…'

'Yes, Shepard?'

'You know what? Let's just not go there…'

* * *

'I am genetically perfect in every way Shepard…'

'No Shepard, Harder.'

'Squeeze the thigh Shepard.'

'Stroke not prod!'

'Caress them don't maul them!'

'Hey where do you think you're going?'

'I wanted sex not an instruction manual.'

* * *

'I'm a Lesbian…'

* * *

'I've taken some anti-biotic's and some immuno-boosters… and I think I'm ready Shepard…'

'Alright Tali, we'll take it nice and slow.'

-Skip-

'I have the sniffles and my filters are backed up with things you wouldn't believe… Worth it.'

* * *

First things first, why the hell do they call them lemons?

Moving On, the minority of lemon fic's are interspersed throughout good fic's and act as a way of progressing the romantic attachment between two characters, essentially another way of showing genuine love, affection and a relationships progression.

Then you have every other lemon.

Cheap fan service written purely for some fanboy/girls sick, demented pleasure.

The fact that most of these lemons read like a manual from IKEA is just depressing. Insert Tab A into Slot B, repeat until desired results are achieved. Through in that Tab A can be used to harpoon whales and that even a warm breeze can have Slot B dripping like Niagara Falls suggests that the internet is now run by 14 year old boys.

I left the ShepardXTali romance alone; it's already awkward enough without my interference. Cute, admittedly, but awkward. Especially if you remember she's like 17-20 and he's 29-32, while not a massive age gap there's this whole daddy issues thing going on that has me wanting to call my therapist…

And the Police… Statutory Rape is still Rape.


	5. Re-Write's

Trope Trasher 5

The Re-Write. Take another person's hard work introduce minor additional plot elements a few extra characters and call it your own. Yeah, that's how it works.

* * *

Commader John Shepard led his ground team of Gary, Mary, James, Jane and Kaidan against the Geth forces invading the colony of Eden Prime.

The Geth sought the Prothean Beacon, one of the few left in the galaxy.

The soldiers charged forward cutting through Geth by the droves.

The team enters a clearing to the sound of gunfire. Ashley Williams having been pursued by Geth turns and fires upon them, the team providing covering fire.

As the last of the Geth fell, Gary having gazed upon the site of the lovely Chief Williams falling deeply in love with the warrior woman, Ashley of course reciprocated his feelings despite not having spoken a word to each other since their meeting seconds ago. The team, now plus Ashley continued on to the space port.

After a confrontation with more Geth the team arrived at the space port. Jane seeing the fallen form of Nihlus screamed in rage as her lover lay dead. A forbidden romance from a previous mission, she hadn't seen Nihlus in years but just being near him had reignited her love.

The team continued on, deactivating the explosives and approaching the Prothean Beacon.

The team, minus Ashley and Kaidan were struck by the beam emitted by the Beacon, all gaining the knowledge stored within.

The Team continued their quest, proving Saren's guilt to the Council, and saving Tali, who despite being considered underage and having no previous inclination otherwise, fell madly in love with Mary, who was of course a lesbian and also madly in love with Tali.

They then continued on, saving Liara who instantly started a relationship with James, who has a thing for transvestites.

They proceeded to save Feros from the Geth and capture instead of kill Matriarch Benezia, despite the why never being extrapolated upon.

No one died on Noveria, because I said so.

They then convinced the Council that Saren needed to be pursued and the Council went on the offensive, despite the team having no evidence what so ever to prove this. They then chased Saren to Illos and then the Citadel, where they defeat him and in turn Sovereign.

They then live happily ever after… Until the Reapers kill them all.

* * *

I actually find some of these to be amongst the best stories on this website, epic in length, well written and well thought out works that if the author replaced a few names can be a completely different story rather than a fan fiction. On the other hand you have those fic's that rely so heavily on the base material that if you lack an intrinsic knowledge of said base material you wouldn't understand a word.

Much like the SI fic's these are once again attempts at pandering to one's own ego. This time by having a character that isn't you despite being identical to what you believe you are. An OC and an SI are one in the same if an author refuses to differentiate between them (ex. the OC SI).

Yet another reference to Chaos Theory as once again we introduce new factors and nothing changes. Changing a story is just that, changing a story. If you're going to change one thing actually change it and don't fake it by changing the characters and whether someone lives, dies, or does something stupid, most readers aren't idiots we see what you are doing, and we are not amused.

The need to have OC's romance everything that moves is frightening and suggests a deep seated issue in regards to what a healthy human being is before introducing a relationship. Having a relationship for the sake of having a relationship is not a healthy mind set, especially if you consider the possibility of an abusive relationship; go see a therapist... please, for your own sake.

No romancing Tali during the events of ME1, Paedophilia is sick and wrong!


	6. Whole New World, or Not

Trope Trasher 6

A Whole New World. No this is not Disney. They actually make money out of ripping off sensationalistic crap… unlike us.

* * *

2082 - World War 3 breaks out also known as the Resource War over what remains of the Earths energy supplies.

2087 - After a year of warfare and millions of deaths, a consortium of scientists ends the war with a new, near endless supply of energy in the form of a new rare earth metal, Fakium.

2092 - The Consortium, having seized power from the worlds governments become the leaders of the newly established Human Technocratic Alliance.

2097 - Humanity excels under its new dictators, entering into a technological golden age.

2098 - Humanity creates the subspace drive and ventures into the unknown, the moon, now Luna, is established as the first human extra-terrestrial colony.

2100 - Mars is colonized; Humanity creates the first rail guns using electromagnets.

2102 - An Alien ruin is discovered in Mars, humanity learns of the Protheans, but this information is near pointless as they are already capable of faster than light speed travel.

2104 - In response to the potential Alien threat the Alliance begins work on their super soldier project; they dub it the CENTURIAN 1 project.

2108 - Humanity begins construction of its Naval Fleet, being led by the newly designed

2117 - Humanity discovers that Charon, one of Pluto's moons, is actually a giant Prothean device encased in ice. Humanities Fleets are now one hundred thousand ships strong.

2120 - Humanity continues its expansion colonizing the moons of Saturn and Jupiter as well as building hundreds of gigantic space stations across the Sol System.

2125 - Humanity develops the particle accelerator, out of fear of the Protheans. It is a weapon capable of destroying planets.

2128 - Humanity, once again in fear of Alien threat develops and builds hundreds of extra orbital weapons platforms

2130 - Humanity begins its first interstellar colony, dubbing it New London.

2135 - The CENTURIAN 1 project becomes out dated and the CENTURIAN 2 project is implemented

2140 - Humanity begins further expansion, colonizing two new worlds.

2146 - Due to massive casualties in the CENTURIAN 2 project the project is scrapped and the CENTURIAN 3 project is implemented.

2150 - The colony world Shanxi is developed.

2157 - First contact with the species known as the Turian's ends horribly, war is declared.

* * *

You'd probably have a few battles scenes ending in a decisive victory for humanity, the obligatory diplomacy phase with ambassadors or the Council offering membership, then a time skip into Mass Effect 1 with only minimal plot variation.

What's with the timeline?

Name three published authors who use timelines as prologues or opening chapters?

None?

Then what makes you think it's acceptable?

Authors create extensive histories be they of a universe, a galaxy, a planet or a single character. They then let the reader's piece this history together using flashbacks, stories and references. Mass Effect uses the Codex as supplementary material but even without it we have an idea of the world of Mass Effect from the character dialogue and plot points. A good author draws people into their worlds through well written plots and intriguing characters, not by giving them a timeline and telling them 'Memorize this if you want to understand what I'm talking about.'

Honestly, these stories are often very good, especially when an author creates a plot of their own instead of rehashing ME1. New characters, new places, and a little more substance here and there and a lot of these stories, timelines notwithstanding, could easily be just as good as their source materials.

Super Soldier's? Really? At least try to differentiate them from SPARTAN's instead of ripping them off completely. It wouldn't be all that hard, just don't let your Shift button get stuck when you're naming them.

I've made this point before but I feel it needs restating. Advanced technology might give you an edge but against an enemy that out numbers you a hundred to one?

Good bloody luck.

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One last thing before I'm done.

I've decided to start taking requests, contact me with your request be it a Review or PM or whatever. I've already obliged some.

Bad English, poor grammar, or poor spelling is not a Trope, and I will not insult someone because they are uneducated, dyslexic or learning English as second language. Falling into a cliché and having that pointed out is one thing, being needlessly cruel to someone because you think you are superior to them is another thing entirely.

Actual Trope's only please, a Trope being a reoccurring theme, premise or plot point.


	7. Song's

Trope Trasher 7

The Song fic. May whatever God you worship be a merciful one, may they in there divine wisdom strike you blind just so you can avoid having to read this, I am horrified that I even considered writing this.

* * *

**The thrumming howl rang from the Reapers as they descended, chilling the planets inhabitants to the bone.**

_This is your time to pay.  
This is your judgment day.  
We made a sacrifice.  
And now we get to take your life._

_We shoot without a gun.  
We'll take on anyone.  
It's really nothing new.  
It's just a thing we like to do._

**Screams of death and destruction, sirens and explosions, gunfire and terror, the only thing that could rise above the knell of the Reapers.**

_You better get ready to die.  
(Get ready to die).  
You better get ready to kill.  
(Get ready to kill)._

_You better get ready to run.  
'Cause here we come.  
You better get ready to die.  
(Die)_

**Prayers of mercy, calls for help, begging for a quick end.**

_Your know life is over now.  
Your life is running out.  
When your time is at an end.  
Then it's time to kill again._

_We cut without a knife.  
We live in black and white.  
You're just a parasite.  
Now close your eyes and say good-night._

_You better get ready to die.  
(Get ready to die).  
You better get ready to kill.  
(Get ready to kill)._

**No sound at all, dead silence, nothing left.**

_You better get ready to run.  
'Cause here we come.  
You better get ready to die.  
(Die)_

_You better get ready to die.  
(Get ready to die, get ready to die, get ready to die)  
You better get ready to die.  
(Get ready to die, get ready to die, get ready to die)  
You better get ready to die.  
(Get ready to die, get ready to die)_

_It's been a long time coming.  
Now you better get running.  
And you better get ready to die._

**[Harbinger.] The voice of a Reaper rang out through deep space. [Humans have excellent taste in music.]**

**[Your point, Reckoning.] The first Reaper replied to his minion.**

**[I propose that this be our theme song from now on.] The Reaper known as Reckoning replied. [And we form a band.]**

**[…]**

**[…]**

**[…Agreed… as long as I can play the Drums.]**

* * *

Song Fic's. I would like nothing more than to find whoever came up with these and shoot them… repeatedly… in the head.

These things have no redeeming features what so ever. No substance, no plot, nothing except a fanboy/girl showing off their taste in music.

If you want to show people you're fond of a song go to Youtube and write a comment and like the song. Don't post the lyrics here with a few lines of crap in the middle. This is fan fiction. Period.

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Still taking requests.

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I had a few reviews/pm's I'd just like to address quickly. Troll's, fucks off, would you kindly?

The Asari thing was a JOKE, you know? A shot at lemon fics involving transsexual characters. Really? You find Tranny offensive? Stick to E ratings.

Long Range Lasers? Lasers are focused beams of light to the point that they can burn through/cut a target,90%+ of a Lasers intensity is lost in Millimeters let alone Light Years, or humanity which has been using lasers for almost 10 years now, would already have laser weapons. Secondly, look at the Mass Effect Codex entry titled Ablative Armour. Lastly, I was referring to the Reapers out numbering everybody else, not the Turians.

Initially the Tali thing was meant as a reference to an Oedipus complex and Pedophilia both of which seem abundant in incest lemons, but that could have been misinterpreted. Also I couldn't find Tali's age anywhere. So far I've been told she's anywhere between 21-25 if anyone can provide proof of her actual age I'll reevaluate my squick metre, until then, underage she is.


	8. High School's

Trope Trasher 8

The High School. I hated it the first time why in the name of fuck would I want to relive it.

* * *

'Miss Shepard?'

'Like, yes Principal Tevos?' The redhead rolled her eyes at the administrators glare.

'This is the third time this week! Why must you and Mister Areterius constantly be at each other's throats?'

'I've told you a thousand times! He's like a massive prick!'

'Yes.' The PE Teacher Mister Sparatus interjected. 'We've looked into that. And we have denied that claim.'

'Like what! That's bullshit he's like totally about to unleash the Reapers…uh… I mean he's a big meany…Like?'

'You are dismissed Miss Shepard please avoid fighting with Mister Areterius from now on. And perhaps you should visit the school councillor over your fear of the biology class's pet shellfish.'

Joanna Shepard walked out of the Principals office with a glare that could ignite a solar system. She'd only been at Citadel High for a month and already she'd been in the Principals office three times because of Saren. She really hated that guy.

'Hey Shepard!'

Joanna turned around and smiled at Kaiden Alenko, her long time boy toy/gay best friend, she had like totally hit that gay or not.

'So Tevos's office? Again?'

'Like yeah, I mean it's like totally not fair! He's like worse than me and he is not stuck in her office!'

'Look lets go find Miri and Jack, see if Tali and Garrus are done "calibrating" or whatever.'

'Lead the way 'Lenko Baby!'

They found Jennifer Nought aka Jack at the Football field in her little cheerleader uniform, their team the Citadel High Cerberus's hadn't won a game in years, in fact most of the people who did attend the games only showed up because of Jack and what could only be described as her leather belt bikini.

'Hey Jackie Baby get over here so I can tap that sweet ass!' Shepard shouted to her other best friend.

'Fuck you, you fucking whore! You fucked my dismount!' growled the heavily tattooed cheerleader.

'Come-on bitch, we're like totally getting our orgy going on, we're looking for Miri, Tali and Garrus.'

'Orgy? Fuck Yeah baby, let's go!' the not so cheerleader laughed. 'Miri's probably sucking Jacobs cock or something; let's go check out the metal shop rooms.'

They did indeed find Miranda Lawson in the metal shop rooms, looking smoking hot in her white and black overalls; Jacob was of course nowhere to be seen, as I'm trying to stay below the boredom quota.

'Hey Miri! Push back!' chuckled Joanna as she ground her hips against the perkiest butt in the school.

'If you don't get off me right now Shepard I'm going to jettison you in to space, let you burn up on re-entry then spend the next two years painstakingly reconstructing you from meat and tubes only to kill you again. Am I clear?'

'Uh… Like… Ah…Yeah?'

Kaiden wide eyed and terrified looked at Jack who had an expression of mild shock and a great deal of arousal on her face. 'That was oddly specific…'

'Fuck… Am I the only one popping a Bonner right now?'

'We're looking for Garrus and Tali… wanna come?'

'Yes. Though one lewd comment and I'll shoot you… In the head... at close range… It will be messy.'

Shepard gulped. 'Yes ma'am.'

Garrus and Tali were found in the computer labs. And as usual they were "calibrating." Of course by "calibrating" I mean online gaming.

'Boom Headshot!'

'No Fair! Wall Hacks!'

'Fucking Trolls!'

Joanna rolled her eyes. 'Like guys?'

'Do I have to Keelah bitch?'

'This is my claw hammer!'

'ROFL Motherfucker!'

'Guys!'

'NUBE TOOBED!'

'Quick Scoped.'

'Man the Harpoon's!'

'Fuck yeah! 25 kill streak! Drop the Nuke!'

'I can dance all day, I can dance all day.'

'Come at me, bro! Come on!'

'GUUUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYS!'

Tali and Garrus turned away from their screens with jaws dropped as their red headed and now equally red faced friend finally drew their attention.

'Hey Shep… How you doing…?'

'Let's just… go… I'm hungry.'

They headed out to the Diner, their usual hangout.

'Met the new girl?'

'Me?'

'No… the other new girl.'

'Liara T'Soni.'

'Sounds nerdy.'

'Rich girl, spoiled, brainy but only because she likes to rub it in people's faces.'

'Got pic's?'

'Yup.'

'Does she put out?'

'Don't know.'

'I'm like totally hitting that.'

* * *

I'd completely forgotten about these Trope's until I saw them in a review. Well spotted good sir.

Strangely enough these are actually kind of fun, being able to see characters out of their original context, kind of like Kingdom Hearts, with its Final Fantasy and Disney characters in familiar but not so familiar locals. Unfortunately nowhere near as good.

Why a school?

Who has fond enough memories of school that they wish to relive it?

Why these things are always packed with smut, I don't know. I know teenagers are a horny bunch but despite popular belief they are not oversexed fiends.

It's actually the repetitiveness that always gets me, Cheerleader Miranda, Goth/Emo/Bad Girl Jack, Nerdy Tali/Liara, Generic Villains as School Yard Bullies and a bunch of other stereotyped characters.

Miranda is referred to as a cheerleader because she's hot and advocates Cerberus. This seems to be the only thing people remember. She brought someone back from the dead! Why the hell would she be a brainless cheerleader? I can see Miranda as the hot, untouchable, genius, leader amongst students, not as a cheerleader.

Goth is a dress sense, Emo are overly emotional, and Bad Girls were rule breakers. Jack dresses skimpy but other than the leather nothing screams Goth. Jack is angsty but Emo? No, if anything I'd worry she'd harm someone else not herself, she's far more of a Punk. Jack is definitely a Bad Girl, so that's not that much of a stretch.

There's a bunch of other stereotypes I could list but you get the point.

All I ask is you change it up a little, is that too much to ask?

The Gamers Garrus and Tali thing just seemed to flow.

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Still taking requests.

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Found Tali's actual age via the reviews, and I apologise for my mistake, but I'd still like to the remind the readers that despite her being 22 in ME1 she is still considered underage in the eyes of her people. In some places a child is considered an adult when they become fertile, as early as 11, in other place a child remains a child until they are 21, some scientists argue that a human is not fully matured until they are 25. The question becomes do you consider Tali an adult or a child, and factoring in ME1 Tali is written as under-aged, it's really up to opinion.

I'd like to address a complaint that seems to repeat itself.

It's probably some troll considering it's always a guest reviewer that's bringing it up.

GET OVER THE TRANNY THING ALREADY! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT FUCK OFF!

This is the last time that that will be addressed all future reviews along those lines will be ignored.


	9. Easy Way Out's

Trope Trasher 9

The Dues Ex Machina. Who needs cheat codes when you can invent ridiculous plot twists to solve all your problems.

* * *

Bullets flew overhead in a deafening cascade; Cerberus Troops came in a constant stream from the drop ships flying overhead. The indoctrinated soldiers pressed the advantage that sheer numbers provided them as they slowly advanced on their downed quarry.

Commander Tom Shepard took cover behind the conveniently placed, waist high retainer wall, breathing hard and favouring his right side. It seems that one of those soldiers had gotten lucky and clipped his left arm while his shields were down.

Garrus Vakarian was on his last legs, he couldn't believe after all he'd survived that it would be here where he met his end. Some lucky Cerberus prick had broken his shield early on and he'd taken a round in the knee from a Talon pistol soon after, he knew he needed medical attention now, he'd already lost far too much blood even before considering he'd lost all feeling in his leg.

Ashley Williams roared in rage as she opened fire at the advancing troopers. Her rage was cut short as her shields were overwhelmed and bullet tore through the metal guarding her neck. She screamed in pain and shock as she fell, blood pouring from her Carotid Artery. She knew she was dead as she futilely tried to hold the wound shut.

Tom winced as he watched Ashley fall. A glint caught his eye as a grenade flew over his cover landing at his feet. He closed his eyes and prepared for death flashes of his life passing before his eyes.

10 seconds passed and Tom opened his eyes. The grenade sat there motionlessly, the weapons fire which only seconds ago had been overwhelming was silent. Tom stood looking around in shock; none of the Cerberus Troops were moving. Ashley, who by all rights should have been dead by now considering her blood loss rose to her feet, the blood flow stopping and power returning to her form. Garrus stood smoothly, his knee, bloody and mangled seemingly not affecting him at all.

'What the hell is going on?'

'Hell if I know.'

'That would be me.' The three soldiers turned towards the voice, a human child no older then twelve stood upon a stack of crates an eerie smile upon his face, a mixture of glee and some other far more sinister emotion spreading across his face. 'The names Anamika, and I'll be your unholy pagan god today.'

'I'm Catholic.' Ashley said with a raised eyebrow.

'Your point?'

'Well I'm a polytheist, so… why are you human? Why aren't you Turian?'

'…'

'…'

'Well… I'm an atheist and I deny your existence…'

'…'

'…'

'…Just shut up.'

'Call it divine intervention.' The child chuckled. 'You guys are fun, so I'm going to give you a bit of support here… I was thinking maybe throw you back in time… or give you superpowers or something… So what'cha want?'

'I'd like to live for one.' Ashley replied sarcastically pointing at the gaping wound in her neck.

A wave of the child's hand saw Ashley's neck; Garrus's leg and Shepard's arm heal miraculously.

'Ah… can I ask why you're doing this.'

'You can.'

'So…'

'…'

'…'

'Why are you doing this?'

'You're fun…'

'That's it?'

'Yup…'

'…'

'…'

'Okay… this silence is getting awkward so let's just move on.'

'Um… What kind of superpowers?'

'What kind do you want?'

'Never really thought about it.'

'I can see that.'

'How about Biotic's?'

'No.'

'Why not?'

'I'm giving you the opportunity to bend reality to your whim… and all you can think is Biotic's?'

'…Super Biotic's?'

'You know what? You guys think about it and call me when you're done.' And with that the god child disappeared and time restarted.

Including time for the Cerberus Troopers who spotted the trio.

Of whom were all out in the open.

Whoops…

* * *

The Dues Ex Machina Trope isn't bound to divine beings; they are a way of solving the unsolvable. These things are quite literally the cheat codes of fiction. Star Trek is the first to come to mind, can't solve a problem? Invent a fictional particle and reconfigure something to utilise them. Borg getting you down? Have your future self come back in time to solve the problem for you. Can't figure out how this oddity of time and space works? Call Q.

Can't beat the Reaper's? Call in the Star Child…

I just threw up a little in my mouth…

An author can't find a way to defeat an invented enemy, thus a character is granted superpowers or a god shows up and throws them all back in time to prepare or a mythical artefact grants then victory.

Authors have been doing it for millennia.

To put it simply…

It's overdone!

If you can't resolve a plot don't introduce it!

Try foreshadowing and I don't mean J.K. Rowling style, thankyou Deathly Hallows you were and still are completely pointless.

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Still taking reviews.

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This is a shout out to all those who requested a Biotic's Trope, they exist as part of the series thus they themselves cannot be a Trope. When they are ridiculously overpowered to the point you're throwing around buildings then what you've got is a Dues Ex Machina, an easy way out.

And let's be blunt Super Biotics are thee easy way out in terms of superpowers.


End file.
